Monday 29th

My team has been working all weekend to upgrade every PC on the site to a new version of the network operating system. So I've come in specially early to check that things are OK. I switch on my machine and wait for the virus checking software to run through its automatic search routine.

I have 72 files each infected with two different viruses.

I try the machine on the next desk. The same. A terrible thought occurs to me. I scan the network drive from which the upgrade was performed. Yes, there they are. This means we have just installed viruses on every one of the 1200 computers on the site. Another terrible thought occurs to me: this will not look good on my CV. I dig out the virus encyclopaedia and look them up. Advanced stealth, polymorphic, tunnelling, mutating, encrypted, all the works. Great. I try to start thinking about what to do, but for some reason I have a silly idea that I can't get out of my head: 1200 computers times 72 files times 2 viruses makes 172,800 infestations on one site. I wonder if I've beaten the previous high score?

I force myself to take a grip. OK, I have two options. I can go to the boss, confess everything and take what's coming to me, or I can flee the country. I ponder the options carefully and weigh up the pros and cons of each. After 0.02 seconds I stop pondering the options and ring the travel agent. I buy a first class one-way open ticket to Rio de Janeiro and £10,000 worth of travellers' cheques. On the company credit card of course. I ask for them to be sent by courier, a.s.a.p. Now what I need is a way to buy some time until they get here.

I have a brain wave. I decide to send a broadcast e-mail to everyone on the site. I'm not supposed to do that, but after all, this is an emergency. I compose the mail:

"This is a message from the IT Department. You will find this morning that the anti-virus software installed on your computers will report a number of files to be infected. This is nothing to worry about. It is part of a carefully planned routine drill to test whether the anti-virus software is working properly. Your programs and data are quite safe. Please only call the Help Desk if you do NOT get a virus alert."

Four or five cups of coffee later, I've had time to reflect a little. Maybe I was over-hasty. In my panic I had forgotten one of the basic tenets of management, i.e. the Principle of Delegated Responsibility. This states that there is no disaster so serious that it cannot be dealt with by firing someone. The question is, who? I narrow it down to two plausible prospects and then flip a coin. Hmm, poor Steve. And just after buying himself a brand new car as well. Never mind, I'm sure he'll see the funny side of it in time.

The airline ticket arrives and I put it away for safe keeping. You just never know.