Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the computer room

Billy Chippo Returns!

Of course, it turned out that nothing worked after I left, so reluctantly and at great expense I was persuaded to return. At the insistence of the Operations Manager I'm not allowed any hands-on work, so I'm moving into technical strategy and handing over my other responsibilities to a fresh young graduate called Bob.

I go over to have a talk with him. He seems a nice chap: very keen and idealistic. But we'll soon put a stop to that.

"OK Bob, now one of the things you'll be expected to do is make comparative evaluations of products in order to decide which one we should buy. Now whenever possible you should never let users get involved in this. If you do, they'll draw up lists of features and requirements and will insist on buying something that meets their business needs."
"Isn't that good?"
"No. The purpose of buying things is to minimize the amount of support work we have to do."
"What if users do get involved?"
"Then once you have decided on the option you prefer you should tinker with the other products to make them appear slow, buggy and unreliable. I wrote a utility to help with this: it attaches some extra code to a program that randomly causes the PC to freeze up. Be careful with it though: the last time I used it, the program spread across the whole site and I couldn't remember the password to switch it off."

I suggest getting some coffee. We are just about to go when the phone rings. I decide to take the call so I can give him a demonstration of my technique, i.e. the technique of ensuring your coffee doesn't get interrupted.
"Hello, this is technical support, how can I empower you today?"
"The program I was running has just crashed. It says something about an illegal instruction, then it says a dump follows, then there's a whole mass of letters and numbers."
"OK, read the letters and numbers to me."
"But there's pages and pages of them!"
"Yes, but it's the only thing I have to go on. And make sure you read it slowly and carefully because one wrong number could be fatal."
"OK, here goes. 04 10 A0 3C 92 27 1F 44 2F 32…"
At this point, I place the receiver gently down on the desk, and Bob and I walk over to the canteen to get some coffee. First cappuccino of the day: just what the doctor ordered.

"Another thing you'll be taking over is responsibility for ensuring that the company's systems are millennium compliant."
"OK, what have you done so far?"
"Nothing."
"Why not?"
"Because if you check in your diary you'll see that January 1st 2000 is a Saturday."
"So?"
"So, if there are any problems you'll have the whole weekend to sort them out."
"Don't you at least have an inventory of hardware and software?"
"Yes I have, and to cover myself I've stored it in a database that isn't millennium compliant, so if there are any serious problems, nobody will be able to prove anything."

"One of the main things you need to learn is how to deal with users. At some stage you are bound to have to undertake some support work. When a user calls it boils down to one of two things: they either want something bought and installed, or else they want some problem sorted out. Now if a user wants something bought what are you going to ask them?"
"Um, how soon do you need it?"
"Good grief, no. You ask them what they want it for, and then you persuade them out of it. Look, every new package we buy is another item to support, so we must keep them to a minimum. So you must always remember the customer support motto: "Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it."
Now, if the user is reporting a problem, what is the most important thing to do?"
"Minimize disruption and fix it as quickly as possible?"
"No. The most important thing is to make sure you don't get the blame for it. The easiest way to ensure you don't get blamed for something is to see to it that somebody else does. There is an established order of precedence for assigning blame, which is as follows:
1. A contractor who's recently left.
2. A permanent employee who's recently left.
3. Anyone who is on leave or off sick.
4. Any contractor who isn't well liked and could easily be got rid of.
5. Anyone who is new and hasn't learned to duck yet.
Be careful because right now you are in the fifth category."

"You must also learn how to deal with managers. You'll find that most managers like to think that they are the ones who make decisions. It's a good idea to maintain this illusion, as it can help shield you from some of the more serious disasters. If a manager asks you to investigate something and come up with options for him to decide upon, then this is what you should do. Start with the option that you think is best (i.e. will cause you the least support problems), then have a second option which is really the same but described in a different way, and then a third which would bankrupt the company in three months. That way you will always get what you want, but the manager is the one who officially made the decision so it's their fault if it goes wrong."

We finish our coffee and walk back to the Bob's desk. I pick up the phone, which is still lying there.
"… 59 2B 3E 64 D0 87 32 00. Did you get all that?"
"Yes. Now let me see. That error is definitely caused by an illegal instruction."
"That's what it said at the start."
"Well I'm glad we agree. Now you should reboot and try again. If the problem recurs we'll have to contact the vendor. Goodbye."

"OK, Bob, I think I've given you the basics. The other advice I'll give you is stay away from any kind of operations work. If you work in operations then everything is your fault, and other people are constantly creating difficulties for you. If you aren't careful you will end up looking useless and incompetent."
"What happens then? Would I get fired?"
"No. They'd just give you a silly job title, like 'Business Continuity Manager', and put you out to pasture."