The Further Adventures of Billy Chippo

Bob's Education Continues

This morning I noticed that Bob is looking rather harassed. I decide to go and check on how he is getting on.

"So, Bob, how's it going then?"
"I'm rushed off my feet dealing with all the support calls. I've been given responsibility for the HR system and there are thirty outstanding calls, some of them going back several months."
"Ah, in that case you should try the Windscale Solution."
"I've never heard of that. Is it some kind of problem management technique?"
"You could call it that. What you do is, rename the HR system to something else. Then you mail the users and tell them that the old system had to be discontinued because of all the problems it caused. Then you tell them that there is a new system that has been engineered to look exactly like the old one in order to avoid expensive user retraining. Then you say that all outstanding support calls relating to the old system have been closed because they are no longer applicable."
"But won't the users run into the same problems as before?"
"Yes, but it should buy you some time. And it makes your support queue look more respectable."

I glance down his list of outstanding calls.
"I see you have one from the Finance director. What does he want?"
"He wants his PC swapped out for a faster one. Only thing is, we are still waiting for the next batch to arrive. And of course I'll have to do a full backup of his machine then reinstall all his software on the new one, then restore all his data."
"No need to do all that. Look, he only wants a fast machine because it makes him feel important. He won't notice any difference."
"But what should I do about his request?"
"Just sneak into his office after work and swap the badge on his computer with yours. That will make it look like the latest model and he'll be perfectly happy. If he asks how you did it so quickly, just say you didn't want to disturb him during working hours so you worked all evening to do the backup and the reinstallation. You may as well start earning yourself a few brownie points."
"OK, thanks."
"Anything else I can help you with?"
"Well, I want to upgrade my development environment to the latest version, but I can't persuade my boss that it's worthwhile."
"Well try this. Follow him into the gents and chat to him there. You may be able to catch him off guard. This is known in the textbooks as the toilet technique. Or peer to peer networking as I call it."

I return to my desk. Because Bob is too busy, I've been given the job of evaluating a piece of remote control software. As a test I install it remotely on the Operations Manager's PC and create a directory on his hard disk called 'porn'. Then I copy a whole load of spreadsheet files into it and rename their extensions to JPG. I make a mental note to write an anonymous memo to the Security Manager that the Operations Manager has been seen downloading pornographic pictures from the Internet.

I decide that I definitely like this remote control software: the possibilities are endless. I write my recommendation and take it to the boss. He skims through it.
"So, you think this is an excellent piece of software and easily justifies the price because of the time it will save the support staff by being able to fix problems remotely."
"Absolutely."
"Well that's all very well but I'm afraid we can't purchase it. We've already reached our budget allocation for the year."

I can't believe I've been thwarted by a trivial matter like a budget restriction. There is only one thing for it. I march to the nearest drinks machine and sink three strong coffees.

Suddenly inspiration strikes. While I was away the Help Desk was outsourced to an IT services company. They are on a performance-based contract with specified deadlines for responding to and fixing user problems. And if the deadlines are missed then there are financial penalty clauses.

I hurry back to my desk and bring up the help call database. By a rough calculation I reckon that if I age every call for the last three months by about four days I can generate sufficient revenue to be able to afford the remote control software. I can't do this through the database application because the date logged can't be edited, so instead I hack into the database itself. I write a little script to subtract four working days from the date logged field of all calls for the last three months. That should be just enough. I'll tell my boss the good news tomorrow.