Friday 5th

I switch on my PC and check my diary. At 11.00 Mr Rottweiler and Mr Doberman from the corporate audit group are coming to see me. They'll want to review all my procedures, software purchase logs, installation logs, everything. What a John Selwyn! This calls for a SERIOUS diversion.

I pop next door into the Operations Manager's office to ask him whether he's prepared to do some unplanned system maintenance. He's not there. His phone rings; I pick it up. It's his wife.
"I'm afraid John's not feeling well this morning, and he won't be in until noon. He says I need to call his boss and the administration manager. Can you please give me their numbers?"
"Don't worry, I can tell them for you."
"Thank you ever so much."
"No trouble."

YES, YES, YES! The Ops Manager is off sick and I'm the only one who knows! What an opportunity! I knew that keystroke logging program I installed on his PC would come in handy. I switch on his machine and check the logfile. Then I pick up his password and log into his e-mail account. I compose a mail to all his staff:
"I am not at work today because I have been called away for an urgent meeting in London. While I am away Billy Chippo has my full delegated authority. As you probably know, the computer audit team is visiting today, and Billy will need to demonstrate our procedures to them. I expect you to extend your full co-operation to him."

That should do it. I go downstairs to the Operations room.
"OK, everybody, listen up. The corporate computer auditors will be here at 11.00 and they'll be wanting to check the emergency back-up procedures. So before they get here I'm going to do my own check, just to be on the safe side. I'm in charge for the day: if you want confirmation of that you'll find John has sent you all an e-mail."

Every single one of them logs in to check the mail. What's the matter, don't they trust me? I give them a couple of minutes to digest it, then I continue.

"Right. We're going to simulate a natural disaster by cutting all the power, including the UPS and everything. Let's just say it was a severe electrical storm, or that rats ate through the cables or something. Now when I count to three I want the system manager to hit the power cut-out button, the network manager to disconnect all the hubs, and the operator to rip the cables out of the UPS. Oh, and we'd better pull the breaker on the PABX as well: we wouldn't want to be disturbed by too many phone calls to the Help Desk at such a critical time."

They look dubious.
"Billy, are you sure we ought to be doing this at 10 o'clock in the morning when everybody's logged in?"
"Of course we should. We've got to make it a realistic test haven't we? That means we have to do it under normal load and without warning. Anyway, the senior management are always grumbling about why they spend so much on IT, so if we switch everything off they'll soon realise how important we are, won't they? OK. One, two, three, GO!"

They actually do it. I only half believed they would. After a few seconds everything goes quiet. Everyone is looking very nervous, so I demonstrate my mastery of the situation by calmly sauntering down to the drinks machine to get a coffee. I saunter back and order the power switched on again. After allowing a few minutes for everything to boot up I ask for a situation report. It seems that about half the file servers have been corrupted. Most of the UNIX boxes are OK, but the DNS server has failed, so they won't be able to talk to each other. The big problem is the e-mail system: it won't start at all and will probably have to be rebuilt from scratch. I ask the system manager how much time will be needed to get everything back to normal. He reckons it will take the whole section all weekend, with everybody working two shifts a day.

Shame. Bank holiday weekend too, but that's life I suppose.

I make a quick exit and head towards Reception just in time to meet the auditors arriving. I greet them all smiles.
"I'm terribly sorry, it won't be possible for you to audit my software records today. The database servers have gone down and I'm afraid to say there doesn't seem to be any adequate back-up service. In fact it might be useful if you were to audit the operational procedures instead; it would save you a wasted journey wouldn't it?"

With that I lead them back to the Operations room and let them get on with it. I also make a mental note not to show my face in there for at least two weeks. I don't think it would do my life expectancy any good. I check my watch. 11:30. The Operations Manager will arrive soon so I decide to take the rest of the day off. After such a busy morning I reckon I've earned it.