The PK on the Path

by Bumble the Bard

Lately I was strolling on a path just south of Wrong,
And seeking inspiration for the subject of a song.
The sun was shining brightly for no clouds were in the sky,
And the birds chirped greetings to me as I wandered slowly by.

I walked around a corner, and a villain did appear,
On his back he wore a death robe, on his face he wore a leer.
His death robe put me on my guard, for beneath it I could see
A set of platemail armour of the highest quality.

I greeted him politely and I said, "Good day to you."
For I am truly British, and that's a British thing to do.
He replied with an expression that coloured blue the air,
Meaning, please would you remove yourself and copulate elsewhere.

I said, "It's plain and obvious from the ugly way you talk,
That your father was an ogre and your mother was an orc.
If you cannot converse with me in speech of milder vein,
Then kindly get you hence from here and don't return again."

His leer became a scowl and he reached into his pack,
And retrieved a heavy crossbow - a magic one at that.
He loaded up the crossbow and took a steady aim,
And shot me in the shoulder which caused enormous pain.

Insulting him might not have been a clever thing to do,
And I wondered if I'd bitten off more than I could chew.
He started to reload the bow - I ran towards the wood,
To get some distance from him as quickly as I could.

As I ran into the forest I was sure I heard the sound
Of a water elemental splashing noisily around.
The elemental charged me and I turned around to find
The PK and his crossbow coming at me from behind.

I was now in serious trouble, so I knew the time had come,
To reach into my backpack and remove my favourite drum.
I used my skill to play it in a provocatory way,
And I caused the elemental to attack the poor PK.

At first the villain tried to brush aside his watery foe,
And he fired another bolt my way from his magic powered bow.
Luckily he missed me and it whistled past my ear,
And I ran towards the muttering of a gargoyle I could hear.

The gargoyle flew towards me, and I drummed with all my might,
And the PK found that now he had another foe to fight.
He stopped to load his crossbow while they zapped him with a spell,
And the noise aroused a passing troll and a dire wolf as well.

The troll and wolf assaulted him (I saw to it myself),
And soon between the four of them they'd greatly harmed his health.
He tried to run away - the fear was showing in his eyes -
But the gargoyle put a stop to that by casting Paralyse.

Then all at once a troop of orcs appeared in front of me,
And I drummed and made them see the villain as their enemy.
The monsters crowded round him and were doing him much harm,
And his face progressed from fear to a look of wild alarm.

Now I wouldn't say that I was a vindictive kind of bloke,
But I've never cared for PK's and I do enjoy a joke;
So I quickly scoured the area for all the creatures of the land,
And succeeded in provoking everything that came to hand.

This included a gorilla and two grizzlies and a boar,
A bull, a snake, a great hart, and several others more.
When the villain gave his dying cry I was gratified to note,
That the final killing headbutt was delivered by a goat.

I resumed my aimless wandering as I slowly strolled along,
And my search for inspiration for the subject of a song.
Then I thought of my adventure with the PK on the path,
So I wrote what you are reading now, and I hope it made you laugh.

The End

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Copyright (C) 1999 Philip Colby.